Shit Pastry Stout Bros Say

It is with some level of humility that I present the list below. If you’re this far down the rabbit hole, you’ve absolutely dabbled in the pastry stout game at some point. Whether you’ve eventually moved on and gravitated towards lambic and saisons or you proudly raise the banner of Barleywine is Life, it’s inevitable that you’ve probably passed through this stage. Maybe you’re still there. I don’t swing a gavel. You have to live with your life choices.

With that out of the way, here’s a listicle of the hackneyed tropes coming out of your bottle share when the pastry stouts get popped.

“I was hoping for more Vanilla”

“This beer is chewy as fuck”

“Wait until that beer warms up a bit, then you’ll really taste the [Insert Adjunct here]”

“I hate drinking big boozy stouts when it’s this hot out.”

Priam doesn’t want to drink Chocolate Rain when it’s 95 out. No one does.

“Batch 1 was so much better”

“This maple variant is so good. A friend told me this is what CBS originally tasted like when it came out”

“Holy Cinnamon!!!”

“Where’s the whale slayer? I can’t get through this Terrapin wax.” It’s impossible to take Wake N Bake Cinnamon Roll’d to a share and someone not make a wax bukkake joke 

Yes, it’s META. We get it. Move on.

“That bottle is straight liquid Cocoa Puffs”

“I’m blown away by all this hazelnut. It’s practically like Nutulhu”

“So they take a bourbon barrel and after they dump it, it gets filled with maple syrup from like Vermont or something. Then they take the maple syrup out and THEN……”

“The fuck is a Skillet Donut Stout anyway? I liked that Westbrook thing better.”

“So Marshmallow Handjee and BVDL is the same beer?”

Born too late to explore Earth. Born too early to explore the galaxy. Born just in time to sully whales with store brand mallows

“You know where Kopi Luwak comes from right?”

“That beer was an absolute coconut bomb when it was fresh!” RIP Prop 13. Miss you.  Miss you everyday

“It’s like malted milk balls. Like Whoppers, you know?”

“Wicked Weed made a french toast beer?…….Like intentionally?”

“Not a lot of coffee but the ‘Nilla is unreal”

mexican break
Why are you like this?

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